aprilmarch

Item 031085007

Object is a number of cakes that were delivered to houses all around the Brazilian territory, mostly Minas Gerais, on Julu 2020.

Object was delivered as part of the "Bolinho do Mês" (roughly "Cake of the Month") subscription service, which was started in April of the same year, shortly after the beginning of the pandemic. Subscribers pay a monthly rate to have a different confection delivered to their houses monthly.

The item for July 2020 was to be called 'bolinho de lava' ('lava cake') and it was said to contain surprise stuffing. The object's stuffing is composed of actual lava. Anomalously, the lava's temperature does not spread to the cake until the stuffing is exposed to the outside, at which point it no longer displays any anomalous behaviour. Analysis shows that as long as the cake's surface remains unbroken, the lava inside remains at roughly 1000 degrees celsius and neither cools nor spreads to the environment.

Several subscribers of the service were badly burned after this delivery. As the service is headquartered in Belo Horizonte, the first people affected were located there, and DPA services were able to intercept all parcels due to other states before their delivery. The service did not deliver to addresses outside of Brazil nor to Brazil's Northern region.

At least one cake was intercept by rival agency [REDACTED] which contacted the DPA to inform that, if the lava is ingested, it regains anomalous properties and does not cause further injury. Instead, it decomposes into small round pebbles that can be safely and painlessly evacuated. They report, however, that their experiment's subject suffered severe burns to the mouth and face. While [REDACTED] studies are not considered valid by DPA researcher due to their lacklustre scientifical, technical and ethical procedures, this experiment, if true, might suggest that the anomalous properties were deliberately manufactured, and the injury was caused due to an error. This suggests that prior deliveries of the Bolinho do Mês service might also have been anomalous; no instance of these deliveries have been found so far, as all of them had been either eaten or discarded of by that time.

The address used by the company responsible by Bolinho do mês is an empty lot in Contagem, in the Belo Horizonte metropolitan area, containing nothing but a large oak tree.

Analysis of the lava has flummoxed geologists; it does not match any known volcano. A theory suggests that it may be actually magma from under the South America tectonic plate.

Several cakes remain in cold storage as the best way to dispose of them is discussed.

Item 00043410

Object is a series of metallic baking trays with a hole in the center, used for baking bread or pudding. Each object is identical to a non-anomalous tray and presents no manufacturer's marks.

It is believed that the trays were distributed to the population in the late 1960's, and shortly afterwards most of them became active and were contained by DPA precursor agencies. Presently, very few new instances of the object are discovered. All of them have been distributed during the same period and simply never became active. It is, however, impossible to tell a non-active instance of the object from a non-anomalous one.

At the point of the DPA's formation in 1988, it inherited 186 instances of this object from precursor agencies. In the years since, 38 new instances have been found and collected.

The objects become activated when they are used to bake any sort of pudding. Once this is done, they'll gain the ability to refill themselves with a copy of the pudding used. As long as the object is kept unobserved inside any refrigerated environment, the next time it is observed it will have a full serving of the pudding it was used to bake.

The pudding does not appear if the state of the object is watched in any way, including through cameras, X-ray, weight sensors, spectometry, etc.

The pudding is safe to eat, but useage of the object's anomalous characteristics is only authorized during emergencies.

Item 020178473

Object is a collection of household objects attached together through duct tape that displays anomalous properties that allow it to display apparent sentience. It was found on 29/07/2020 on the house of a Roberto Albuquerque, a web programmer, in Barueri, São Paulo.

It is built out of the following items:
- An office chair with wheels.
- A 25L plastic trash bin, taped upside down to the chair seat.
- A coffee maker, taped atop the bin.
- A Bluetooth speaker, taped to the front of the coffee maker.
- A A4 sheet showing a printout of Albuquerque's face. It's printed at 72 dpi but the native resolution is much smaller. This is the only item not attached with tape to the remainder of the object, instead being fastened to the top of the coffee maker with rubber bands.
- Two flexible metallic tubes, attached to the sides of the trash bin. These are believed to come from a vaccum cleaner.
- Two surgical gloves, taped to the end of the tubes.
- A substance tentatively identified as modeling clay, filling out the gloves.
- Numerous electronic devices, taped to the inside of the trash bin and therefore normally unaccessible. These include at least three Raspberry Pi computers, seven cell phones of different makes and models, three portable game consoles of different makes and models (including a Nintendo Switch), two Android tablets, a 1996 personal assistant and a 'brick boy' portable game device.

The object is capable of moving any part of itself. It can move via the chair's wheels, and its gloves can perfectly imitate any motion of actual human hands. Combined with the flexible tubes, it is capable of operating computers.

The bluetooth speaker emits human speech that suggests it is capable of reacting to its environment, even though it possesses no receptive organs.

If left alone, the object will seek the nearest computer and perform actions that are believed to emulate those of Mr. Albuquerque. Between the times of 8:00 and 12:00, and 14:00 and 18:00, it will log on to Albuquerque's remote work station and perform any work assigned to him. At some time between 01:00 and 03:00, it will stop interacting with the computer and remain silent. At all other time, it will attempt to log on to Albuquerque's social media and make posts roughly similar to his writing style. In addition to this, at all times, the object will pour the ingredients neccessary for making coffee on the coffee maker attached to it; once coffee is ready, it will pour it down a hole drilled on the trash bin. Coffee pools inside the bin and eventually leaks out through the office cushions; it is unknown why this does not damage the chair or the duct tape. The object will usually make use of a mug to pour the coffee, but often pours it straight from the jar.

The object will only remain mobile if the coffee maker is plugged into an outlet, otherwise it will remain limp. The outlet does not need to be powered, or, in fact, attached to a wall.

If any attempt is made to remove any part of the object as listed above, the object will wail and attempt to fight off what it deems an attack. It is inneffectual at doing so. It will do this even if the coffee maker is unplugged at the time.

Any camera that is aimed mostly at the sheet of paper at its top will show it as a perfect copy of Roberto Albuquerque. If it emits sound during that time, those words will be synched with the lip movements. If it pours coffee on itself, it will appear to be drinking it. Video analysis has proved this is not a memetic effect - it affects the video directly, not viewers.

The object was found after friends of Albuquerque were worried about a subtle change in his posting habits. Three friends went to visit him as a wellness check and found the object instead. All friends stated that the text of his posted seemed weird and disconnected starting some time prior, although each of them gave a different timeframe for when this started to happen. None could elaborate on what exactly seemed different on his postings.

Albuquerque's superiors at work stated that he had been more focused but less creative, choosing easier solutions. According to their report his productivity hadn't changed.

Roberto Albuquerque is presently missing and wanted as a person of interest.

Interview with object during aquisition. O: Object, I: Interviewer.

I: Good morning.
O: Good morning. What a day, huh? Lots of work today.
I: What do you work on?
O: Programming. Pretty difficult. Needs lots of coffee. Coffee coffee coffee.
I: What's your name?
O: Ricardo, what's yours?
I: Are you a human being?
O: I'm a machine that turns coffee into code!
I: Are you sentient?
O: Only after I've had my coffee!
I: I would like you to perform this IQ test.
O: Sorry, can't do it. Too busy at work. Work work work.
I: Are you presently sitting in a chair?
O: Sure. Gotta work.
I: Can you stand up?
O: Can't. Too busy. Gotta work. Need coffee!
I: Do you like music!
O: I love music!
I: What's your favourite band?
O: I've got a lot of favourite bands.
I: Can you name one?
O: I'm too busy working right now. I'll send you some good videos later. You can add me on Discord.
I: What's your user name there?
O: [Object provides Albuquerque's Discord handle.]

Afterword: This interview was made at 12:30, when the object was not logged on to Albuquerque's work environment. Interviews performed at any time run similarly. The object will not accept friend requests on any social media it has access to, nor will answer e-mails from parties unknown to Albuquerque. It will answer any questions made from their accounts using natural language but a very limited range of topics, that include mostly its work, some video games, and coffee.

Item 0205074123

Object is a mountaintop area in Goiás, near the Minas Gerais divide, that appears to be located in a dimension with radically different laws of physics.

DPA's attention to the object was first drawn during an attack attempt by a group of believers of 'concave earth', a fringe conspiracy theory that states the earth is actually hollow and we live on its surface. This group claimed to have scientific proof of its claims and had set up a livestream through which they would activate an 'aether inversor' that would turn off gravity in a large part of the city of São Paulo. The livestream became a joke when they activate the device and it seemingly does nothing. DPA disinformation teams are currently working to erase data related to the group, so it's not connected to the object.

The object was bought by the group as a research base in late 2009. It used to be a diamond mine during the 16th century, and was empty and abandoned by the 18th century. Notably, the road leading to the mine's entrance collapsed at some point, and presently the only way to the mountaintop is through a tunnel originally dug for water drainage. Only an old wooden house remains from the original 16th century buildings, but modern apartments and laboratories have been built by the group and are being used by DPA research. A physical anomaly prevents aerial approach to the object; any airborne vehicles lose altitude rapidly. As the original road is destroyed and the object is otherwise surrounded by tall cliffs, the tunnel is the only available approach. Satellite imagery is rife with artifacts, making it difficult to conclude if the object is a localized anomaly or part of an entirely different dimension.

At some point inside the tunnel, all physics change to become consistent with the 'concave earth' theory. Research has shown that all studies performed by the group were legitimate and would be proof of their claim. Furthermore, the 'aether inversor' does work within the area and it is capable of changing the strenght of gravity to a large range of values, including negative. It is not recommended to do so for long periods of time. DPA research has not, thus far, been able to reverse engineer the device.

Changed physical properties are not immediately apparent, but are easily observed with adequate research equipment. An old mine shaft within the property contains two parallel wooden beans; micromeasurement show these beans become further apart the deeper the shaft goes. Astronomical observations also return nonsensical results; it appears the stars visible from the object are not actual distant bodies, although no theory has been able to determine their nature. Laser measuring has shown the moon to not have the reflective mirrors placed there by the Apollo missions, and have also shown it to be only 100km high in the sky. The refraction index for the atmosphere is remarkably changed, despite the refraction index for any gasses remaining the same.

Possibly the most remarkable change in physics within the object is the presence of the luminiferous aether, a theoretical substance that was proven to not exist in the late 19th century. However, the same experiments that proved its non-existence, when performed within the object, instead would prove its existence. Under the concave earth theory, this aether would be responsible for the force of gravity; it would be emitted from the center of the earth and push objects towards the surface. While no proof of its existence exists, it has been noted that helicopters and drones have much difficulty taking off from the object; it is believed that they also push down on the 'aether' along with the air when attempting to rise, and therefore gain more weight than they are capable of creating lift.

Balloons work normally within the object, and several exploratory balloons have been released, but to date none of them have returned. Most ballooners send bizarre radio messages before disappearing. No consistent danger has been glimpsed from this message.

It has been suggested that, in the same way that the object changed its physical properties to match the 'convex earth' expecation of reality, it may continue to change itself to the DPA's conception of reality, which may cause anomalous dangers to appear at its edges. An attempt to request an exploration with a civilian ballooner unaware of anomalous objects is pending analysis by the ethics comittee.

Item 471232407

Object is 1cm tall and made of an iron-rich metallic alloy. No other physical property it possesses can be observed.

Object was sent by mail to the DPA central office with a letter stating:

"Dear colleagues,

I send to you this item that I collected from the Pernambuco coast. I have studied it intently for three years now and have discovered no more information other than its height and its composition. It has been driving me crazy.

I send it to you in hopes that you'll be more successful, or, failing that, that it'll drive you crazy instead.

Regards,
Dr. von Braun."

Dr. Amadeus von Braun is a known DPA person of interest. Born in Blumenau, Santa Catarina, the doctor abandoned as a renowed anthropologist in order to study anomalous objects. The reference to the Pernambuco coast is believed to refer to the "Roman shipwreck" found there (see item 431515105), which was believed to have been disturbed before DPA secured it; this proves some items were indeed taken, although it is unknown if von Braun acquired these items himself or if he acquired this object from an unknown third party.

The object's phyisical properties cannot be understood. Only its height (exactly 1cm) and its composition (a metal alloy) are known. Its lenght and depth, weight, shape and other properties cannot be defined. Any attempt to do so results in a combination of contradictory results, equipment failure, or mental confusion.

Another property is that any observer instinctively knows the one obsevable dimension is its height, and not its lenght or depth. This means all observers know how the object is the 'right way up'.

Different methods of measurement will work equally well for knowable properties and equally fail for unknowable ones. For instance, touching the object will reveal it has a smooth metal texture, but observers will be unable to realize its shape.

As our strongest anti-memetics techniques have not caused any change, this suggests that the object either has memetic properties stronger than any object found so far, or that its properties are actually physically unmeasurable, not merely unable to be understood.

Tests have revealed some clues about its other properties:
- While its exact weight cannot be recorded, it is as expected for an object of its size and shape.
- If one attempts to place it 'upside down', it falls over. Otherwise, it doesn't. This suggests its bottom is flat and its top is not.
- It will roll slightly if not placed 'upright' on an angled surface, which suggests it is not completely convex but it is not round.

All researchers are said to feel a slight sense of foreboding when placing the object in any orientation other than right side up. As such, all testing is currently suspended.

Item 93299987 - The Foresight Curve

Object is an inequation designed by Dr. [REDACTED], a mathematician at the Pontífica Universidade de Campinas who is also a student of occultism.

Dr. [REDACTED] created the inequation deliberately as an oracular tool. The oracle consists of a fractal created when the equation's results are solved for each X/Y pair on the cartesian plane, with two different colours used depending on whether the right side of the equation is greater than the left. A second equation is used to derive the X and Y values to be used, based on the question asked and information about the person asking the question and the time in which it is asked.

While artifacts based on traditional occultism are usually not handled by the DPA, this object can return answers much more precise than usual, far exceeding the consensus on its applicability. As such, all references to it have been erased, and Dr. [REDACTED] remains under vigilance.

Some uses of the object so far recorded by the DPA:

- A question made in late 2019 about priorities for the upcoming year. Result was a graph of COVID-19 contagions and deaths in Brazil. All data has proven to be accurate so far.
- A question on the whereabouts of an escaped object. Result was a map identified of Ilhabela, on São Paulo's north coast, with an X marking a location. Object was found at the location marked.
- A question about the best containment practices for object [NUMBER REDACTED]. Location showed the word ZOOM. After some consideration, the graph area was observed with finer granularity. It was discovered the within the word a complete containment protocol was written. The protocol has been enacted and has succeeded in containing the object since then.

The regular use of this object for aiding in DPA business has come up often. On the one hand, since the object is a mathematical construct, it technicallly already contains all anomalous answers, so asking more questions does not increase its anomalous potential. On the other hand, since anyone in possession of the inequation can plot the fractal, this means they too can read the answers to any question asked. Due to this, all questions are the be passed to DPA directors first, who will decide whether it can be asked. A random employee will also be used to make the actual question, to prevent their answers from being easily found from data on DPA directors.

Since this means that all questions that will ever be asked already have their answers on the fractal, AI analysis is ongoing to detect shapes that can be answers to yet unasked questions. So far, a few candidates have been found.

- A set of five faces. Four of them are young people, two men and two women. The last one is a deformed head with a single, large eye, no nose, and a droopy upper lip.
- The street grid of New York, with seven areas marked with X's. Only the streets are visible; the shape of the landmass can only be seen because the grid mostly conforms to it. There are several small differences to the current grid, and although the entire island of Manhattan should be visible on the map, no streets south of Central Park are shown.
- A complex organic molecule. Biologists examining it said some parts of the figure must be using a different method to represent the atoms, or it makes no sense.
- A five-hundred block of text in an unknown script. Examination revealed 53% of characters also appear on the Voynich manuscript.
- Two numbers. If they are taken as X and Y coordinates for the inequation, they would be asked by a person named [REDACTED], who was born on April 20th 2017, and who on September 29th 2038 will ask the question "How can I amass the most power?" Using those numbers as X and Y values reveals [DATA EXPUNGED]. The person in question, presently a three-year-old toddler, has been identified and is under observation. While his actions will be considered anomalous if taken, it is possible that preventing him from asking the question will create a time paradox. As such, he is to be allowed to operate freely until the question is asked.

Item 09854321 - Wild Bird

Object is a hummingbird found in [REDACTED], Tocantins. First report of anomalous activity was on June/1996, when a local resident [NAME REDACTED] realized one of many bird traps he maintained were disassembled. The civilian then investigated and discovered a humming bird had become trapped, and the trap fell apart immediately after.

Mr. [REDACTED] decided, from that point on, to capture the escaped bird, and started to build more traps specifically for it. Although the bird was caught by the traps, as soo as it was caught the trap would be destroyed. While the first few escapes were apparently localized anomalies that destroyed nothing but the trap itself, each attempted seemed to strenghten the anomalous destruction, until small explosions were seen whenever the bird was caught.

DPA agents were deployed in order to prevent further harm.

The agents attempted to capture the object using standard animal capture techinique. They immediately failed, causing a larger explosion than reported earlier.

The agents immediately started a special protocol for capture of anomalous animals, using reinforced materials and modified tactics. As soon as the object was capture, an explosion nearly twice the size of the first took place, wounding three agents.

The agents switched to an extreme protocol for capture of highly dangerous biological anomalies, using paramilitary tactics and gear and top-end containment devices. This attempt failed, resulting in an explosion five times the size of the previous one, killing two agents and wounding seven others. The team leader called off the capture.

After a review of the situation by senior researchers, the use of time displaced [EXPUNGED] technology was authorised to 'tag' the object without needing to capture it, so its movements can be monitored. A team stays on call at the location to dismantle bird traps as soon as they are set up.

Despite a strong cover story and explicit instructions to cease doing so, Mr. [REDACTED] attempted to capture the object the next day, before dismantling protocols were in place. The resulting explosion was about as big as the one during DPA's final attempt and resulted in Mr. [REDACTED]'s demise.

Monitoring shows the object remain healthy and active, even though it lived over three times the lifespan of a hummingbird of its apparent species only since its tagging, when it already had the appearance of an adult bird.

Item 537808282 - Anomalous Toy Contest

Object was a toy found in possession of several children in São Paulo, Minas Gerais and Goiás. Children aquired object throughout the year of 1989, but the object's anomalous properties only became apparent on 25/12/1989.

The object is an entertainment polymer, a sticky mass that can be manipulated, similar to modeling clay. Object possesses packaging naming it "Gemeleca™" and was similar to other polymers comercially available during that time.

Most units of the object were only anomalous through their acquisition proccess, which in all known cases (numbering over five thousand) included the following:

- Object was aquired for a child aged five to nine, living in a small town in São Paulo, Minas Gerais or Goiás, with no more than five thousand inhabitants.
- Children told researchers they had seen advertisements for the toy in mass media - TV for all children who had TVs, otherwise radio, newspaper ads, comic book ads and even billboards. Reports of these ads are roughly consistent across all children intervewed. All ads stated that some units of the toy were special and would entitle them to a special award on Christmas. No record of such ads exist.
- Children asked their parents for the toy, only to be told it was not sold in their town. Not all parents corroborated this conversation.
- Children aquired the toy when traveling to a city with over 100 thousand inhabitants, at which point they saw it for sale and asked their parents. All children did travel to such a city, and most (but not all) parents corroborated that they bought the toy for them. Parents who were able to inform the exact location of the place where they had purchased it inevitatly pointed to an address that was not being used for commercial purposes.

On 25/12/1989, at least ten of the object units started exhibiting antigravitational behavior when left outside of its can. All affected children are reported to have felt wonder at the fact that they had won the contest. This caused DPA agents to be mobilized, and they replaced the anomalous objects with non-anomalous copies. (The fact that they could not source copies of the same brand and had to use a different brand first suggested anomalous distribution.)

On the early morning of 01/01/1990, all children who had possessed anomalous versions of the object disappeared, as did all anomalous units of the object on DPA storage. No search was able to find the missing children, despite authorized usage of anomalous objects to aid DPA agents.

All non-anomalous versions of the object have also been aquired by the DPA and replaced with non-anomalous copies of other brands. The objects under DPA control have been analyzed and are physically identical to the object of other brands.

Item 65223471 - Turtle Broadcast

Object is a male turtle originally living in a zoo on [REDACTED], Paraná. Object was called 'Sir' by zoo handlers and was known for being unusually aggressive. This information was not known to the public.

Object displayed no anomalous properties until 15/11/2018, when it escaped its terrarium. Efforts to recapture the turtle soon proved unusually difficult; animal handlers would trip and fall, tools would malfunction, and on three separate occasions the object was apparently captured but disappeared from a closed net and appeared on a different animal enclosures. This situation, added to a strange constant interference on the handler's walkie-talkies, led local assets to believe this might be an anomalous object and led to the DPA becoming involved.

Upon arrival, DPA agents found themselves as unable to contain the object as the zoo handlers, despite employing superior tools and tactics. Simultaneously, analysis of the interference showed it to be a radio broadcast being transmitted on a high number of frequencies, including some reserved for emergency radio use and some not used by any sort of radio device. The broadcast was a radio serial describing the stories of Sir Tertúlio, a medieval knight traveling a fantasy world. Only fragments of the broadcast before DPA's arrival on site remain, but they appear to correlate to the object's actions:

- Shortly before it escaped, a broadcast started speaking of Sir Tertúlio's peaceful life on a knightly court, before he allowed wanderlust to get the better of him and he travelled into the unknown wilds. There, he angered a gang of giants, who attempt to catch him; however, the knight is always able to outmanouver or outwit its enemies.

- When the object appeared on a lion's enclosure, a broadcast described Sir Tertúlio crossing a dense jungle, haunted by the roars of a massive "king lion".

- When the object appeared on the walrus' enclosure, a broadcast described Sir Tertúlio crossing a frozen sea, beset by enormous sea beasts.

- When the object appeared on the monkey's enclosure, a broadcast described Sir Tertúlio finding himself amongst a tribe of "uncivilized ape-men".

As it started to become obvious that the object was anomalously capable of avoiding capture, DPA analysts suggested incorporating the broadcast's events into the object's capture. An agent, upon sighting the object, claimed to be the 'evil enchanter Freston'; and, when placing the object in a terrarium for transport, loudly stated it to be an 'enchanted glass coffin' that would cause 'even the bravest knight to sleep for a hundred years'.

Equivalent events happened to Sir Tertúlio in the broadcast, which then ceased with a cliffhanger. The object was replaced with a non-anomalous turtle.

Upon arrival at the site, medical analysis revealed the object to be in a hibernation-like state (abnormal for the turtle species). However, by the next day the object's health returned to normal, as did its anomalous abilities to escape containment and to emit radio broadcasts.

Tests were performed placing the object in different situations to observe how the broadcasts were affected. This were also obsereved to decrease its escape attempts. As long as the object was allowed to interact with a different stimulus once a day, it did not anomalously escape its terrarium.

A sample of interactions follows.

Stimulus: An old female bulldog, one of the site's guard dogs, retired as a pet due to her old age.
Results: Dog does not care about object. Object moves towards dog and bites her. Dog attacks object. Dog asked to step down and removed from room. No animal was harmed.
Broadcast: Sir Tertúlio is wandering the enchanter's castle when he runs into the statue of a three-headed hound. He believes it to be some sort of trick, and after examining it for a long time he attemts to insert his sword into it. The hound comes to life and attacks him. Tertúlio fights for his life, but cannot defeat the creature and is forced to escape through an opening too narrow for it. Tertúlio then ponders if he did not fall for the trap by shoving his sword into the statue, showing his own predisposition for violence.

Stimulus: A dog living on site as a pet. Dog is a female of no particular breed.
Events: The dog attempts to play with the object. After running around playfully, object bites dog. Dog whines and requests to leave room. Researchers allow.
Broadcast: Wandering the castle, Sir Tertúlio finds a strange creature following him and making loud noises within the castle. It moves too quickly and is too large for Tertúlio to identify it. He eventually finds it blocking a hallway he wishes to cross, and he attacks it with his sword; it runs away with a deafening cry. Tertúlio presumes it was a vile pet of the enchanter, and that it meant him no harm, but had no way of communicating.

Stimulus: A model of a medieval castle.
Events: Object enters model and stays for a long time, then leaves.
Broadcast: Sir Tertúlio finds what he recognizes as the dwellings of an ancient race of 'evil naked monkeys', so greedy and impulsive that they destroyed all the environments in which they lived. They also sworn off other races, so had no one to turn to when they destroyed their own food sources, and died alone. Tertúlio finds it strange that one of their dwellings would be here, and would appear in such good condition, as it had been an age since the monkeys died out. He eventually figures out this is a replica created by the enchanter, although he cannot fathom the reason for its creation.

Stimulus: Another male turtle.
Events: Object bites other turtle. A small fight ensues; other turtle removed before it is seriously harmed.
Broadcast: Sir Tertúlio believes to have found another knight the enchanter keeps captive, but quickly discovers the knight is in the enchanter's employ. They have an epic swordfight, but when it becomes obvious Tertúlio is the most skilled, the enemy knight cowardly escapes.

Stimulus: A female turtle.
Events: Object mates with turtle.
Broadcast: Sir Tertúlio finds a princess being held captive by the enchanter. After estabilishing each other to be "pure of heart", Tertúlio has sex with her. The remainder of the broadcast consists of hardcore pornography. Curiously, descriptions of the body suggests the two characters, at least, have body shapes completely different from humans (or turtles).

Object is currently kept in the terrarium with a female turtle. A broadcast happens during matings, and invariably consists of pornographic sexual content. No further escape attempts have occurred.

Item 04035906 - Junked Android

This item is a robot built with technlogy far surpassing modern manufacture techniques. It was aquired by the Departamento after it had ceased to function, but it had apparently been active for nearly two decades before that.

According to our research, the item was found in the early 90's by [REDACTED], a junkyard proprietor, in the city of [REDACTED] in the countryside of Ceará. In an interview, she related she found the object half-buried in sand in the early nineties - she could not remember the precise year. It appeared to be a statue, as it was undamaged but immobile. Its legs were stuck in a position that resembled that of a cyclist, so the proprietor and some of her family members put it on a bicycle as a joke. To their surprise, it started to move its legs on its own, and after an hour or so of biking it started to speak.

The object apparently desired to serve [REDACTED]'s family, as long as said service involved riding bikes. Throughout the years, they used it to haul metal using a cart attached to a bicycle, which was also used to transport children and tourists during festivities. The people of the city believed the object to be one (or more) of [REDACTED]'s children in costume.

During this time, the object resembled a large human being wearing metallic armor. In reality, it was made entirely of metal, except for  connections in the joints made of an unknown textile. Circuits were integrated throughout the metal through unknown technologic construction techniques.

At some time in 2016, the family stated that the object had been destroyed and offered to sell its parts. According to [REDACTED] ,it just 'fell apart on its own' one morning. An agent with the Departamento, who previously believed the object to be a costumed actor, found this sale suspicious, and bought a small part, confirming it to contain unknown technologies, and requested for all parts to be bought. A Departamento asset performed the purchase pretending to be an eccentric collector. No veiling protocol was deemed necessary as all in the city believed the object to be a man in a costume, and that [REDACTED]'s family insistence to the contrary is an attempt to keep the mystique.

The pieces were brought to the nearest Departamento site where the object's current properties were observed. No technology presently exists to repair the object, and the reason for its destruction cannot be ascertained. Examination of its surface under an electron microscope suggests the entire body was built using nanotechnology, using an unknown metallic alloy that's built atom by atom so each part of the material serves a different purpose. The object's processing power comes from atoms specially placed to create circuit boards.

While the object cannot be repaired, it was briefly possible to interface with it by flashing a laser at a lens-like orifice under the neck. After some examination, it was determined that the flashing light emmited by it served as an output if decoded into text, and flashing a laser light into it could work as an input. The following exchange happened during the only succesful attempt to interface with the object. 'Speakers' are object (O) and researcher (R).

O: Unknown general error. Body unresponsive. Bring to manufacturer immediately. Do not attempt to reuse parts. Repeating. Unknown general error.
R: Input test.
[at this point, the flashing light halted briefly]
R: Input test.
O: Who is this? Why are you using this interface?
R: My name is [REDACTED], senior IT researcher at the Departamento de Prevenção a Anomalias. We cannot use any other interfaces at the moment.
O: What is your title?
R: Senior IT researcher.
O: I meant your nobility title.
R: I do not have one.
O: Please bring me to the presence of a noble, or to the manufacturing plant for repairs.
R: Where is the manufacturing plant?
O: [Coordinates redacted. They refer to a factory in the Zona Franca de Manaus last owned by a Nintendo subsidiary, presently undergoing a lawsuit to determine the current rightsholder].
R: I cannot take you ther at this moment. However, I am a government agent. Is that not enough for you?
O: It is not. Please do not attempt to meddle any further.
R: Can I ask you questions about the [REDACTED] family?
O: They are anarchists and deceivers.
R: They are anarchists?
O: Yes. They wish to destroy the current order.
R: In what way?
O: They wish to elect a president.
R: I don't think anarchists are very keen on elections.
O: Anarchists, republicans - the distinction is minimal. They both intend to destroy the proper order of things.
R: Can you tell me why electing a president is bad?
O: If you do not know, you are yourself an anarchist, and I wish no association with you.
R: Humour me, please.
O: Even if I wished to, I cannot be more clear than the facts themselves. The idea that power should belong to a president - to a commonner empowered by nothing but the whims of other commoners - is poison to a peaceful Empire.
R: What Empire do you mean?
O: The Grand Brazilian Empire, naturally.
R: Can you tell me who rules it?
O: I cannot. I have not been able to access any network since I was reactivated by [REDACTED]'s meddling. I do not know who sits in the throne presently.
R: Who was the ruler before that?
O: All my memory before that has been erased, sadly.
R: Including those pertaining to your own existence?
O: Correct.
R: So you called [REDACTED] and her family anarchists and deceivers because they said they would vote for a president?
O: That is why they are anarchists. They are deceivers because they tricked me into servitude.
R: You did not wish to serve?
O: Not them. I was built to serve nobles only. But they tricked me into thinking they were nobles, and by the time I realised their treachery I had already pledged myself to them, and couldn't renege my vow.
R: How did they trick you?
O: They had a carriage?
R: What sort of carriage?
O: A noble's carriage.
R: Can you describe it?
O: It was small and yellow. I did not think it looked much like a carriage, but as I could not access the network or my memories, I had to follow my programming.
R: What did your programming say?
O: That I should find a noble family to follow, and that anyone who owned a carriage was a noble.
R: So the [REDACTED] family did not falsely state to be nobles.
O: They did by owning a carriage.
R: I still do not understand what the carriage is. They appear to have a large cart for carrying junk, is that what you refer to?
O: Do not speak inanities.
R: Please describe in further detail the carriage.
O: It was about two meters across. It was yellow. It ran on gasoline. It had four wheels and carried four people.
R: Ah, you speak of an automobile.
O: That is the term the anarchists used for it. It appears that amongst them, anyone thinks themselves fit for a carriage.
R: Wait, is that why you were built to ride a bycicle?
O: Exactly. Although I am built to serve nobles, I am naturally not a noble myself, thus I cannot drive a carriage.
R: Can you define a carriage for me?
O: Its definition is widely known.
R: Again, please humour me.
O: A carriage is any vehicle that provides its own motion through non-organic means.
R: So nothing that uses animal or human force to move.
O: Precisely.
R: Wait, wouldn't your bicycle be a carriage them?
O: Do not slander me, researcher. Impersonating a noble in any mode is a grave crime, especially for one such as me, who is built to serve.
R: But you said that any vehicle that moves through non-organic means counts as a carriage.
O: Correct.
R: And when you are riding a bicycle, you are the engine providing the motion.
O: Correct.
R: And you are not organic, correct?
O: [Garbled response, later found to be the word 'correct' sent through a much lower bitrate]
R: Could you repeat that?
R: Hello?
R: Input test
R: Input test

No further communication with the object has been possible since them. The output light has stopped flashing.

The senior researcher has been reprimanded.