18 - Eating

Item 20987017

Object is a memetic illness that cause human beings to forget the concept of food.

Roughly twenty people were infected in 2009 in the city of [REDACTED]. The vector of infection has never been understood, but infections ceased after the first outbreak. A special DPA site has been built in the town in order to allow the infected to live regular lives while otherwise preserving normalcy.

Follows an interview transcript between one of the victims (V) and a DPA researcher (R). This interview was conducted shortly after the nature of the object was ascertained.

R: How are you doing?
V: I'm still feeling weird. Weak. I'm losing weight and my hair has started to fall out.
R: Have you been eating lately?
V: What do you mean?
R: How many meals have you eaten these last few days?
V: I don't know that word.
R: Do you know where human beings get their energy from?
V: Shit, I'm too ill to remember from school. Air, right? We breathe air and it gives us energy.
R: Energy also comes from the stomach.
V: Yeah, mine has been hurting a lot.
R: Do you know what's the purpose of the stomach?
V: What do you mean?
R: What does the stomach do in the body?
V: [long pause] Huh. I think I'm even worse than I thought.
R: You don't know?
V: I don't remember. I... I remember it was something simple. It isn't like the appendix that only doctors know what it does. I remember it was something basic, like the heart or the lungs. But I can't remeber what.
R: Very well. Do you know what this is? [Researcher puts a plate of food on the table]
V: No. Looks like some sort of toy.
R: A toy?
V: Yeah. Like modeling clay or something.
R: What if I do this? [Researcher eats a cookie.]
V: What are you doing?
R: I'm eating food.
V: That's weird! That's - that's not what the mouth is for, man!
R: What is the mouth for?
V: Speaking! You don't put stuff inside it, man!
R: We actually do. This is the nature of your condition.
V: What?
R: You are suffering from a condition that prevents you from remembering the concept of eating. It is a necessity that all animals on this planet must perform.
V: I... how is that possible?
R: We don't know yet, but we can help you. We'd like you to try eating this cookie.
V: I don't know what those words mean.
R: Place this in your mouth, use your teeth to macerate them, and swallow.
V: I can't do that.
R: Almost all humans can do that. We believe you still have the instincts to perform this activity. If you do not, we have a medical team on standby to assist you.
V: That's too weird to even try.
R: Please, attempt to do so. It is important for us to gather data.
V: I don't even know how to start.
R: Watch me closely, I'll demonstrate. [Resarcher finishes eating her cookie]
V: Fine... I'll try.... [Victim eats a cookie.] This... This is absolutely disgusting! It gets all gooey inside your mouth and...
R: Please calm down and attempt to swallow.
V: I can't! This is too weird! I can't breathe! I'm choking! I'm... [Victim vomits.] What is this? Why is this coming out from inside of me? Where did this come from?
R: I'm ending this interview in order to provide medical care to the victim.
V: It was already inside me!

19 - Coffee Machine

Item 020178473

Object is a collection of household objects attached together through duct tape that displays anomalous properties that allow it to display apparent sentience. It was found on 29/07/2020 on the house of a Roberto Albuquerque, a web programmer, in Barueri, São Paulo.

It is built out of the following items:
- An office chair with wheels.
- A 25L plastic trash bin, taped upside down to the chair seat.
- A coffee maker, taped atop the bin.
- A Bluetooth speaker, taped to the front of the coffee maker.
- A A4 sheet showing a printout of Albuquerque's face. It's printed at 72 dpi but the native resolution is much smaller. This is the only item not attached with tape to the remainder of the object, instead being fastened to the top of the coffee maker with rubber bands.
- Two flexible metallic tubes, attached to the sides of the trash bin. These are believed to come from a vaccum cleaner.
- Two surgical gloves, taped to the end of the tubes.
- A substance tentatively identified as modeling clay, filling out the gloves.
- Numerous electronic devices, taped to the inside of the trash bin and therefore normally unaccessible. These include at least three Raspberry Pi computers, seven cell phones of different makes and models, three portable game consoles of different makes and models (including a Nintendo Switch), two Android tablets, a 1996 personal assistant and a 'brick boy' portable game device.

The object is capable of moving any part of itself. It can move via the chair's wheels, and its gloves can perfectly imitate any motion of actual human hands. Combined with the flexible tubes, it is capable of operating computers.

The bluetooth speaker emits human speech that suggests it is capable of reacting to its environment, even though it possesses no receptive organs.

If left alone, the object will seek the nearest computer and perform actions that are believed to emulate those of Mr. Albuquerque. Between the times of 8:00 and 12:00, and 14:00 and 18:00, it will log on to Albuquerque's remote work station and perform any work assigned to him. At some time between 01:00 and 03:00, it will stop interacting with the computer and remain silent. At all other time, it will attempt to log on to Albuquerque's social media and make posts roughly similar to his writing style. In addition to this, at all times, the object will pour the ingredients neccessary for making coffee on the coffee maker attached to it; once coffee is ready, it will pour it down a hole drilled on the trash bin. Coffee pools inside the bin and eventually leaks out through the office cushions; it is unknown why this does not damage the chair or the duct tape. The object will usually make use of a mug to pour the coffee, but often pours it straight from the jar.

The object will only remain mobile if the coffee maker is plugged into an outlet, otherwise it will remain limp. The outlet does not need to be powered, or, in fact, attached to a wall.

If any attempt is made to remove any part of the object as listed above, the object will wail and attempt to fight off what it deems an attack. It is inneffectual at doing so. It will do this even if the coffee maker is unplugged at the time.

Any camera that is aimed mostly at the sheet of paper at its top will show it as a perfect copy of Roberto Albuquerque. If it emits sound during that time, those words will be synched with the lip movements. If it pours coffee on itself, it will appear to be drinking it. Video analysis has proved this is not a memetic effect - it affects the video directly, not viewers.

The object was found after friends of Albuquerque were worried about a subtle change in his posting habits. Three friends went to visit him as a wellness check and found the object instead. All friends stated that the text of his posted seemed weird and disconnected starting some time prior, although each of them gave a different timeframe for when this started to happen. None could elaborate on what exactly seemed different on his postings.

Albuquerque's superiors at work stated that he had been more focused but less creative, choosing easier solutions. According to their report his productivity hadn't changed.

Roberto Albuquerque is presently missing and wanted as a person of interest.

Interview with object during aquisition. O: Object, I: Interviewer.

I: Good morning.
O: Good morning. What a day, huh? Lots of work today.
I: What do you work on?
O: Programming. Pretty difficult. Needs lots of coffee. Coffee coffee coffee.
I: What's your name?
O: Ricardo, what's yours?
I: Are you a human being?
O: I'm a machine that turns coffee into code!
I: Are you sentient?
O: Only after I've had my coffee!
I: I would like you to perform this IQ test.
O: Sorry, can't do it. Too busy at work. Work work work.
I: Are you presently sitting in a chair?
O: Sure. Gotta work.
I: Can you stand up?
O: Can't. Too busy. Gotta work. Need coffee!
I: Do you like music!
O: I love music!
I: What's your favourite band?
O: I've got a lot of favourite bands.
I: Can you name one?
O: I'm too busy working right now. I'll send you some good videos later. You can add me on Discord.
I: What's your user name there?
O: [Object provides Albuquerque's Discord handle.]

Afterword: This interview was made at 12:30, when the object was not logged on to Albuquerque's work environment. Interviews performed at any time run similarly. The object will not accept friend requests on any social media it has access to, nor will answer e-mails from parties unknown to Albuquerque. It will answer any questions made from their accounts using natural language but a very limited range of topics, that include mostly its work, some video games, and coffee.